took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
