guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
