pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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