My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
