Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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