How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
