Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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