doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
