We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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