My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
zippers are such a cool invention
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
