I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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