I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
