im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
