Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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