so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
