im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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