Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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