By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
