I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
