Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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