you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
