I am puke
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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