I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
