you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
3pm strippers are depressing
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
