i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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