You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
