Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
