when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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