First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
