so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
