apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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