Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
