I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Enjoy the penises
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
