So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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