How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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