Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
