11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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