he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
