I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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