if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
