Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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