You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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