I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
