I will die if light touches me.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
