in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
