where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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