it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
