You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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