so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
