He kissed a someone with a penis
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
